better than regrets

the order is brain, heart then hips.

lancer — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 19:32:52 +0000

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don’t patronize
Don’t patronize me

There’s so many things I want to say when I’m around you but I stay quiet. There’s a million things I want to do but I stay in place. There’s a million things I feel but I suppress all of them. I know I keep asking you to come hang out with me, I know I do this, but I can’t think of any other person I would rather spend time with. I go to sleep thinking of you and when I wake up, you’re the first face on my mind. You say you’re not sure how to react to my advances but when we kiss I always feel you smiling. It’s not fair that you get to tell me you think I’m sweet and you think I’m amazing. I know I am! I do know I’m sweet and amazing because I have sweet and amazing friends and family, my sister, Seth and especially you are all of what makes me amazing and sweet. I just wish you would like me because of it and not in spite of it. I don’t hate you. Not at all. I made a promise to myself when I got out of my last relationship that if I ever started to fall for someone new again, I would tell them. That I would rather look back 5-10 years from now and say “Lance, you really fucked it up with C, but at least you told her, at least it’s not 5-10 years later and you’re still sitting here wondering if you would have said or done anything, would things be different now? At least you weren’t afraid to make a mistake.” For what it’s worth, I’m not sure if you told me all the things about yourself that make you uncomfortable, like your confidence or this or that part of your body, but you won me over before any of those things. I forget what it used to be like to lose sleep over someone you can’t get off of your mind. You’re different then other girls. You already had me. But the way I feel for you isn’t just some switch I can turn off. Seth asked me to describe the way I felt about you and the best way I could do that is that you’re this big light in the middle of the room. And it doesn’t matter how hard you close your eyes or what you use to cover your face, there’s always, always a little bit of light that gets in. That’s what it’s like being near you, the closeness of your body is directly related to how fast my heart beats and I wish you could feel that, for just a tiny micro, millisecond and then you might know… Don’t let me give up this fight. Please, don’t.

Holocene

lancer — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 03:26:35 +0000

I discovered this song no less than 48 hours ago. It has over 100 plays on my iPod. This song will not go away. And for the moment, I am completely fine with that. I can see for miles and miles and miles. I think it was in the Blue Valentine when Ryan Gosling said “The prettier a girl is, the crazier she is. So by definition, you are insane.” I’ve yet to see this mantra prove untrue. It’s the feeling you get when you talk to me with your words and I look at you with feelings.

True Story; Life of Recovery.

lancer — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 07:26:48 +0000

Who knew the tiniest little Philippino girl you’ve ever seen could posses more internal strength than dozens of men many times her size? At her worst, I would still back her in a fight. And at her best? Well, every time I think I’ve seen her best, she happily proves me wrong. She’s so much fun to be around and truly reminds me that we will never be this young again. Nor this free. People who befriend other people on the simple circumstance that they are pretty or beautiful alone have it all wrong. You befriend people because they make your world more beautiful in and of itself. Our time together is always too short but I guess it’s a way of telling us to cherish every second of it. Whenever we get our families together, it’s that feeling you get when you haven’t been home in a really long time.

seattle and ann’s visit

lancer — Sat, 03 Sep 2011 04:12:21 +0000

Seattle’s PAX wasn’t the only thing that was amazing about Seattle, but the downtown area itself. As much as I had fun running around the convention floor playing all these games before they come out, I feel as if I didn’t give downtown Seattle the attention it deserves. Worry not, I will definitely be coming back to give it the rightful attention it deserves. One interesting thing to note; because of my horrible drinking habits, I was able to share a drink or two with the developers of a few games that are still in beta testing and receive an invite to help develop them. Who says drinking can’t get you anywhere? As for Ann’s visit, I always have one goal in mind when friends from the east coast visit the west coast; to make them want to never come back. I want to completely destroy them. So far, I’m four for four. I do not disappoint. I truly am scared for Ann’s wish to move here because I worry about what this city could do to her.

giraffe’s heart

lancer — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 07:20:14 +0000

It was the first time I saw you in more than four years, I was wearing sunglasses and you still had eyes bright enough to burn me. I hate that vulnerability I have against you. I hate that anyone can get in my head that way and that I can’t get them out. I hate that you have that edge over me. You cannot protect yourself from sadness in the pursuit of happiness. Maybe one day, leap year.

hipster Disney girls. yes.

lancer — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 01:51:18 +0000

projects

lancer — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 19:56:06 +0000

i haven’t even finished my last one and i’m already starting on my next one. and i like this. i could get used to this.

mccarran intl

lancer — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 07:37:23 +0000

you are my only exception

lancer — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 02:48:16 +0000

(Please note; for historic purposes this was written back in October, it is just now being posted. It has sat in my postings as a draft.)

This is the sixth time I’ve tried to write this and each time I thought I could find the perfect words and sentences to make this sound more eloquent, each time I wondered if saying more or less could change the way you feel in the end, each time wondering if I should even do this.

As I lay my pen to this paper, I know I’ll reread this a thousand times. I know I’m going to come back to try make it mean something more than sloppy words on blank parchment. I know I’m not sure how I should really start saying what I want to say, so I’m just going to write it.

From the very first moment I met you, you’ve had me completely and utterly by my heart-strings. I’ve been trying for the last six months to become closer to you without scaring you off, pushing you away or coming on too strong. Every time I’m told to give up or any time I start to believe it just won’t happen, I think back to the very first moment I laid eyes on you. All I could remember was that it was hot, dark and sweaty at the Rockhouse and then I saw you; and in that moment you shined so bright, you put the sun to shame. You know that feeling you get when you walk out of a dark movie theater into the still setting sun and in that moment your eyes squint? That’s what it was like seeing you for the first time. I knew then and there, I wanted to know all about you, and so I started, slowly. The more I learned about you the more I wanted to know, the more I knew about you the more I wanted to learn about you, and as I did, it became this cycle of watching parts of me falling for you, one at a time. I’m constantly catching myself thinking about how you told me you don’t like your teeth and you wish you could change them, but I love seeing you smile. Or about how Khris will imitate your voice to make fun of you, but I love to hear about your day. Or how I’m not the funniest guy in the room, but I love to hear you laugh. I’m not here saying typing this all out because I think it would actually convince you to date me or even because I believe, even in the smallest, you feel the same way. I’m typing all of this because you’re a straight-up, awesome girl. You’re cooler than sharks with lasers and dragons that breathe fire. You’re pretty damn rad. Because you have your head on straight but when it comes down to it, you know when to have fun, chill out and be serious. Because you’re simple, but not simple in an ignorant, plain and boring way, simple in an elegant and beautiful way; not showy, flashy or gaudy. Because of your demure yet dulcet personality. But I think mostly it’s because when you’re able to make someone feel the way you make me feel, you deserve to know that. I wish, even for just a fleeting moment, you could see yourself the way I see you. Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away; and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my hands will speak my heart.

So there…

I’ve said it.

letters unsent

lancer — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 02:46:52 +0000

(Please note: this was written in March. It was also a draft sitting in my posts. I’ve decided to post it now for historic purposes.)

I’ve written somewhere around a dozen letters. Compiled with the work of hundreds of little notes and scribbles that cross my mind. I’ve written you a dozen letters that I’ve never sent. Out of obduracy, out of cowardice, out of humiliation but mostly out of fear. This post alone has been sitting as a draft because I faltered in trying to find the right words to type. I don’t know what is about you. Maybe it’s the visual of you that shakes me to my core. I can talk to you on the phone, text you and chat the day away, but seeing you, gazing at you… my words stumble in my head, my thoughts scatter and my throat is blocked by an invisible force. Even now, I as imagine you standing in front of me, I sit and stare at this blinking insert cursor. Mentally willing my hands to dance along my keyboard like a pair of Russian ballet dancers; one strikes and the other retreats, one impedes and the other concedes, not rudely but assertively. You are the ridiculous 11:11, the shooting star and the breath-held-during-the-tunnel wish. How many countless times have I played and practiced this conversation in my head? Give me your complications and misunderstandings. Why should I only be willing to accept one part of a whole?